A Heavy Heart

When we first hold a new child, we promise to always love and protect our child.
It's easy, to make this promise, as we look at our innocent child. We feed them, keep them comfortable, hold them when their sick, and guide them by example. A mix of love and gentle disapline.
When the child becomes a teenager. We can no longer hold their hand, and make the decisions for them, even though we know what's best. We try to have faith, that at best, they learn from their mistakes, and grow to be a happy, adjusted adult.
We have all heard the stories (other peoples') horror stories,of their teens. We usually, either pray it doesn't happen to our kids, or deny it ever would. Sometimes it does happen.
I'm one of those parents you are glad, you're not in their shoes.
My son is one of those teenagers, you pray your child will never become. In fact, you'll deny it will ever happen to your child.
For many years, I have tried to help my child. I've gone to meetings with teachers, doctors, counsellers....
In the last couple of years, I have stressed with worry when he is out, wondering if he is okay. I have sat on this computer trying to distract myself, from wondering what could happen next.
The last 2 months have been the worst. My son smokes marijuana. When he is under the influence, he is calm, when he is not, it's hell.
His friends, are now those kids, you don't want to meet "in a dark alley". The kind of kids that are friends to your face, but would stab you in the back.
These days, I cringe when I hear a text on my cell, or the house phone rings.
Today my son text me, with one of these messages. His friends, brother, shot him in the head with a bb gun. There was a lot of blood, but the pellet, either bounced or grazed his head. So they say, the brother, and the parents.
I fear this is only the beginning. I know it will get much worse then this. I can feel it.
How many times have you looked back on a time, and thought, if you only knew what was going to happen, you could have prevented it? It's a simple thought really.
But what if you can't stop it? What if you've tried everything in your power to stop it, but there is no way to? How do you stop a speeding train?
That's what my son is. A speeding train.